Dear Thalia,

I read a lot of books and in those books they always find true love and have perfect sex. But what if the love is true and the sex is boring?

My partner isn't as interested in sex as I am. She makes me feel like a nymphomaniac and I swear I'm not.

What do I do?

Sincerely,

Too Much

Dear Too Much:

As I've mentioned in other posts, a disparity in the desire for sex is probably the most common complaint amongst couples.  And it's not easy for either person to cope.  If you are the one who wants more sex, the frequent rejection you receive will lead to lower self-esteem. Likewise, if you are the one who doesn't want sex as often as asked, you will start to feel inadequate, guilty and eventually angry.

The urge is to blame each other for the disparity.  You each start making and sharing score cards of who is affectionate and when and the months, days, hours and minutes since you last made love.  You'll also then start to make lists and score cards of who takes on the most responsibility around the house or with the children or who contributes the most to the household finances. The blame game is a downward spiral leading nowhere constructive.  Avoid it at all costs.

Instead, communicate your needs and listen to hers.  And believe me, I know that's so much easier said than done.  We are simply not taught healthy and honest communication skills.  I have a series of communication exercises for you to try. Before you begin, however, you must both agree to be committed to the process and leave the score cards in the trash can where they belong.

Set a specific date, time and location for the exercises.  Treat it as you would treat a visit to the doctor or a therapist.  The location should be away from your home and any distractions, perhaps a private spot in a park you both love or even a hotel room. Honor the commitment to the appointment and the process.

Now that you are in the right location at the right time and in the right frame of mind, begin with this exercise and spend about ten to fifteen minutes on it.  You can even record it if you like. The partner who wants less sex will take on the role of the partner who wants more sex and try to seduce your lover.  You can do this any way you want, within the boundaries of propriety for the location.  You don't have to mimic the style of your lover's advances.  While you are trying to seduce your lover, she will be taking on your role of rejecting your advances. Again, you can reject the advances any way you want. You don't have to mimic the rejection techniques used by your partner.  When this exercise is finished, you are going to debrief.

Starting with the one who rejected the advances, tell your partner, using only sentences that begin with "I felt" exactly how you felt when her advances were unwanted and you were trying to communicate that to her. Share both negative and positive feelings, but only using "I felt" to begin each sentence.  Your partner should not respond to anything you say.  Spend about ten minutes on this.  Repeat the same process for the partner who was performing the seduction. Again, remember to start each sentence with "I felt" and share both negative and positive feelings.  Again, your partner should  not respond to anything you say.  Spend another ten minutes on this.

Once you've finished this 30-40 minute exercise, privately write a journal entry about the experience.  Then, as soon as possible after the exercises, the partner who wants less sex will again seduce the partner who wants more sex and this time, the seduction will be successful. Afterwards, share your feelings about the exercise and the seduction, being careful to refrain from any blame language and focus on "I felt" or "I feel" sentences.  If you wish, share your journal entries with each other.

I've said this before, but it bears repeating.  In a loving relationship, all loving touch is lovemaking. Kissing, caressing, massaging, with no expectation of reciprocity or sex, is just as important in a relationship as sex. If you find yourself unable to break free from the cycle of seduction and rejection, perhaps it's time to seek out professional help.  The foundation of the relationship has to be healthy in order for the sex to be good. And be sure to seek the advice of your gynecologist.  Your low libido could be the result of perimenopause or a hormonal imbalance that needs to be addressed.  Sex is a vital component of a healthy relationship.  It's in your best interest to take this seriously.